ongoing
—————-
——-
Whose Fault?
He climbed ahead of me.
After an especially challenging part,
he yelled back that he would watch me.
Did he turn around?
I’m not sure—I was too focused on my own climb to notice.
Did Eurydice see Orpheus turn around before falling back into the underworld?
Or did she think she slipped and fell all on her own for the rest of eternity?
3/26/23
the girl on 29th on the 80th floor
There is a girl who lays in bed all day and all night.
Every time I look over into her building
I see her there
and she’s always
—always—
there
and always
—always—
in her bed.
Does she know she’s not alone?
Does she know I’m here?
space
why do I ever try to not take up space?
walking
when i walk, i only look at the things around me.
when he walks, he only looks at the horizon.
1/23/23
pain
I saw a man praying on his knees on the cold winter stairs outside of a church a little before midnight.
How much it he must have hurt.
12/3/23
85w ago
My Aunt said, “No one wants more out of life than you,”
It would have been sweet if it weren’t so true.
Because lately I’ve woken up to this funny feeling,
At least the sun through my window is ever appealing.
It’s under that light that I explore Her creation,
Turns out the entire world is my greatest temptation.
I try not to look, keep my eyes straight ahead,
But I can’t seem to shake this thing my aunt said.
I keep telling myself, “This is it! This is life!”
But convincing myself is a whole other strife.
And I know, I know, what is meant to be will be,
But who will I become if I just stay me?
“Give me more, Life! - what a strange notion,
How beautiful this all is, me and my human emotion.
Once Upon a Time
as humans, it’s in our DNA to try and survive.
who was the first person to kill themselves?
Trauma
He asked me if I ever feel a looming sense that something bad is coming—
the way his sister does.
I told him no, because I don’t.
What I live with isn’t dread of the future;
it’s the weight of the past.
Not just my past, but the long, unbroken chain of women’s experiences
that still hums inside the present moment.
It isn’t just fear—it’s memory.
A history saturated with the rape, silencing, and survival of women lingers in my body the way smoke clings to clothes
subtle
persistent
unmistakable once you notice it.
I don’t walk around expecting something terrible to happen.
I walk around feeling the echo of what already has,
nursing a hangover that isn’t even mine.
My psychiatrist tells me I need to separate what belongs to me
from what doesn’t—
to tease apart my emotions from the inherited ones.
But how do I tell her
that when She screams, it’s my gut that squeezes?
that when She cries, it’s my throat that burns?
that when She remembers, it’s my head that hurts?
Tell me—
if my body respons—
if it clenches, flinches, mourns—
are those feelings not mine?
I don’t feel dread of what’s coming.
I feel the pulse of what’s unresolved—
the tremor of something ancient that refuses to finish.
——
Little Catherine
Sometimes I feel so sad for her, little Catherine
— but then I remember —
it may have taken 30 years,
but at least we (she and I) now know that the only thing important in life
is to love and to be loved.
—
“I didn’t realize that the real power I had was that I had no obligations. I could do whatever the hell I wanted. How was I supposed to know that, one day, in seeking the safety of grownup life, I would lose that power. I am 41 now, I can’t believe how briefly I held that power. How briefly I held it, and how quickly I gave it away.” - Libby, Fleishman is in Trouble
“People don’t have affairs to betray their spouses — they have them to remember who they were.” - fiit
3/29/23